We talked last week about how hard it is to deal with unhealthy friendships. I shared my struggles with self-blame and eventually realized that once we know our values in relationships we shouldn’t feel the need to change them, but I never told you how the story ends…
A breakup. Not a clean break, tie up the loose ends, and get closure. A messy, painful, and impossible to come to terms with, break up. The problems I told you about only got worse; more blaming and excluding and less communicating. I tried so desperately to express how much I cared but I think that their minds were already made up. They became colder and stopped with the common courtesies until there was nothing there at all.
I was devastated. The only thing worse than what was happening was having no one to turn to. I stayed up and sobbed to my boyfriend, humiliated that he was the only friend I had left. I struggled every day with fearing that I was the problem and that it was all my fault. It took me months to realize that I don’t want friends who will make me feel bad about myself, make me question if I’m being selfish when it’s really them, or make me feel like I don’t show love in the right way.
I took some time away from those friends and then made my final efforts to reach out and make amends; they were not well received. I realized I needed to move on, but wanted to try and leave my memories with them intact. I felt really alone but was taking time to grieve and adjust to life without those relationships. It was about a month and a half later that I got a text that essentially read ‘You hurt me, I’m done being friends, fuck you.’ Where the relationship stood had been made extremely clear to me, and I most certainly did not need the extra clarification. I cried for days. I felt stupid that this person thought I was still expecting a relationship. I was humiliated knowing that people I cared about so much, probably crafted that text and judged my response together. I was so hurt that after all we had been through, it had to be stated once again that I was the one doing the hurting.
This breakup was happening in the process of writing this entry to you. I know firsthand that this kind of heartbreak is a different kind of hurt. And now I’m sitting here on the other side of what you’re reading, wishing I had some sort of an answer for how to fix it, but I don’t. It’s hard and unfair and so confusing, but like all breakups, we get to learn about ourselves. I look back and realize that during these friendships I got my dream job and no one asked about it, I established a healthy and loving relationship after suffering abuse and no one acknowledged how amazing that is. When you love people it’s really hard to see when that love isn’t being returned in a fair way. But when you lose those people it still hurts, regardless of what the realities are.
I like writing to you about things I’ve healed from; it’s a lot harder writing to you about the things I’m still learning how to heal from. I’d love for all of this hurt to be over, and to tell you exactly how I did it. I’m clearly not there yet but I’m confident that reassuring myself is what is going to get me there. I have friends that love and respect the way I maintain friendships. I know that despite what others have told me, I am not to blame for other relationships that haven’t worked. I will always stick to what is healthiest for me, I will be open about it, and I will be able to surround myself with people who are good for me.
I’m thankful to be strong enough to learn these lessons, and I’m thankful for all the learning that I get to share with you. I want you to reassure yourself, but I am so glad that I get to be here to reassure you too. So please remember you are not alone. Remember who you are. Remember what you value. Remember that there will always be people who love you. Remember that not everything you lose is a loss. And remember that these lessons are how you get stronger.