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Opening Up To New Relationships

Writer's picture: "K""K"

As we continue on into the new year, I am so excited to keep exploring the process of exploring new and healthy relationships. Now that I’ve shared my red and green flags, and given you some time to reflect on yours, it's time to think about actually entering new relationships. 


Last week I touched upon how hard it is to learn to trust again; while you have to teach yourself to trust another person, I think it's a million times more important to learn how to trust yourself. When I got out of my abusive relationship I blamed myself completely: I didn't see the signs, I let him take advantage of me, I had poor judgment, I let myself get hurt. Not only was all of that untrue, but I was being so hurtful to myself. It’s a long journey to learn that your negative relationship experiences are not your fault, but it’s an even longer journey to learn how to trust your own judgment. I summed everything up to the idea that I was too naive and had “bad taste.” 


It wasn’t until well into my relationship with my new partner that I realized the problem wasn’t my judgment at all. I picked someone who is kind, and gentle and aligns with all of my green flags. Despite spending the early months of our relationship with my guard up, I started being able to recognize things about him that were drastically different than my last partner. Everyone tells you that comparison is unhealthy, but I’m going to disagree. Being able to compare my past partner and current partner in similar situations was the first thing to reassure me that this person was not my ex. I didn’t go out of my way to compare them, but there were so many differences that were too obvious to ignore. I was spoken to gently in situations where I used to get yelled at. Tickling and playing were fun and kind when they used to be too rough. Our relationship was kept private and intimate, instead of flaunted. The comparisons I was able to make helped me distinguish that I do have good judgment. I hadn’t repeated a pattern. I’m with someone who has good intentions. 


The most valuable thing I did with all of these realizations was start to vocalize them. It started with just saying the things I appreciate. He didn’t have to know what happened to me in my past to know that I appreciated what he was doing in the present. He thought I was thanking him for seemingly insignificant things, but they were all so valuable to me. As I got more comfortable and began to open up about more vulnerable parts of my life, I started wanting to share parts of my past relationship. When my current boyfriend does something that creates a clear distinction from my ex, I tell him. I say, ‘My last partner used to do this, so when you treat me this way, it means a lot to me.’ I tell him when his actions make me feel valued or safe, and make it clear to him that I recognize the care he put into our relationship. 


I came to a point where I was able to appreciate the experiences I had in my unhealthy relationship because they made me recognize so many positives in my next relationship that I may have otherwise taken for granted. I’m open about everything I am grateful for, which has led my partner and I to not only know how much we appreciate one another but to better communication in our relationship overall. My point is, contrary to what I believed for a long time, opening up is not weak; it takes a lot of strength and composure to understand what you have learned and bring that into a new relationship. You have to realize that getting to know yourself, what you deserve, and how to love someone who loves you is an incredible experience, and something that you deserve. 

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